I believe I just saw one of the guys I dated in high school. But there's no way, right? This isn't anywhere near where we went to school, and he went to Northeastern. He wouldn't be in North Carolina. It's too unlikely. Must have just looked like him. Except, he looked at me funny. Maybe it was only after I looked at him funny. I don't know.
If it was him, I'm glad he didn't say anything. I'm supposed to be dead. How could I explain any of this?
It doesn't matter. He left, whoever he was. Just a close call. I've been lucky, not having to get too close to the places where people would know me.
I've been lucky overall. My half of life isn't fun. Not what I dreamed of, for sure. But it could be so much worse. Could be itching to kill people. Could be a zombie. Instead, I'm a paid employee. I even get benefits like this computer. And I'm alive. Put it that way, it sounds peachy.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tomb of the Unknowns
He's been dragging me around Maryland and Virginia the past few days. Today I'm in Arlington. It's a county and a city, somehow.
I took a walk over to the cemetery earlier after eating. The big one. Been thinking about death lately. It fit. Went around, checking out the monuments. Looked for graves with my old name.
And I saw the Tomb of the Unknowns. The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Whatever name you like. It made me think of the boy who died and made me start this blog. He was unknown, to me and to all of you. Maybe the police identified him, let his family know. Unless they were dead too.
Are we soldiers? Is this a war? And why haven't they noticed us yet? People on both sides are dying. The kid I found killed. The kid Lucas killed. Cam. Caper. Robert Sagel. My friend. My mother. My coach. So many others.
How haven't they connected the dots? I know Zeke Strahm is or was a cop. I should get around to reading his blogs. But he's not the only intelligent cop out there, right? They can't all be incompetent. Shouldn't people like Morningstar be on a terrorist watch list by now?
Maybe this all makes perfect sense. I haven't slept enough for months, so maybe I'm just missing the obvious. All I've got is that He kills or takes the ones who notice. Even then, those people should be noticed.
I took a walk over to the cemetery earlier after eating. The big one. Been thinking about death lately. It fit. Went around, checking out the monuments. Looked for graves with my old name.
And I saw the Tomb of the Unknowns. The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Whatever name you like. It made me think of the boy who died and made me start this blog. He was unknown, to me and to all of you. Maybe the police identified him, let his family know. Unless they were dead too.
Are we soldiers? Is this a war? And why haven't they noticed us yet? People on both sides are dying. The kid I found killed. The kid Lucas killed. Cam. Caper. Robert Sagel. My friend. My mother. My coach. So many others.
How haven't they connected the dots? I know Zeke Strahm is or was a cop. I should get around to reading his blogs. But he's not the only intelligent cop out there, right? They can't all be incompetent. Shouldn't people like Morningstar be on a terrorist watch list by now?
Maybe this all makes perfect sense. I haven't slept enough for months, so maybe I'm just missing the obvious. All I've got is that He kills or takes the ones who notice. Even then, those people should be noticed.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What Happened?
I came back to bruises and scraped knees. I have a black eye.
What happened last night?
Not a mugging. I have my money, the briefcase, the laptop.
Maybe a Runner fought me? But I'm not locked up, or dead. Would you just leave one of us bruised?
Maybe He did this? I can't predict Him. Can't rule it out, but it doesn't seem right.
It could have been anything. Maybe I fell down the stairs. Walked into a door. Those cliche abuse excuses. This isn't the first time it happened. Might never know how I end up a punching bag. Might be better not knowing.
I shouldn't whine. It's what I have to live with, if I want to live at all. If I want them to live at all. Rebelling against Him would get everyone I cared about killed. It wouldn't stop at bruising. No, down that road is bleeding, vomiting, dying. I have to remember that. Even when I see you partying, drinking, going to concerts, loving, I can't forget that you're all suffering too. You're just putting on positive faces. Nobody wins.
But I lost.
Whining again. I'll stop here. Take some more aspirin and listen to music for a while.
Monday, July 18, 2011
In That Case
The briefcase is open. But it's too crazy to just start with what's inside.
The briefcase was still there Saturday morning. There was blood on it. And on my clothes. It was still locked, but now there was something inside. Something that sloshed around.
Oh, and I was standing in this huge forest on a mountainside. So I was panicking. I started screaming. Nobody came. I don't know how I would have explained myself if they had.
I calmed myself down after a while. Decided to walk down the slope and look for a trail. I found a stream and used it to wash some of the blood from my clothes and the briefcase. It's even more slippery when wet. And still cold. Actually, that part was a relief in the heat.
I did find the trail, but by the time I reached the parking area I was exhausted. I always am when I come back, and hiking around only added to it. I don't know how I found the energy. Only one empty car was parked there. I slept on the grass.
A woman who looked about 50 woke me up, asking if I was alright. I made up some story about having been hiking with friends and getting lost and left behind. She bought it. I got a free ride to Clearfield, Pennsylvania since that's where she lives. I slept through most of the drive, but still had to do some serious lying. I felt awful.
I didn't get to eat that day. My daily wages had to be spent on new clothes. Thank god for Walmart. I should be on that People of Walmart site. A dirty, sweaty 19-year-old woman shopping for cheap clothes with a fancy briefcase.
And the briefcase had mostly stopped sloshing by that point. Then yesterday morning, it was back to being liquid inside. Heavier than Saturday. Without the hiking to worry about I was able to keep track of it. It slowly changed from liquid to solid. By the end of my day the stuff inside was hard.
This morning, it was unlocked. Inside was a laptop. A Dell Inspiron 14R.
No, I don't get it either. All I know is, He gave me a briefcase that made a laptop out of... something else. Maybe I should thank Him, but I won't. A computer doesn't make up for all that He's taken.
It's pretty nice, though.
The briefcase was still there Saturday morning. There was blood on it. And on my clothes. It was still locked, but now there was something inside. Something that sloshed around.
Oh, and I was standing in this huge forest on a mountainside. So I was panicking. I started screaming. Nobody came. I don't know how I would have explained myself if they had.
I calmed myself down after a while. Decided to walk down the slope and look for a trail. I found a stream and used it to wash some of the blood from my clothes and the briefcase. It's even more slippery when wet. And still cold. Actually, that part was a relief in the heat.
I did find the trail, but by the time I reached the parking area I was exhausted. I always am when I come back, and hiking around only added to it. I don't know how I found the energy. Only one empty car was parked there. I slept on the grass.
A woman who looked about 50 woke me up, asking if I was alright. I made up some story about having been hiking with friends and getting lost and left behind. She bought it. I got a free ride to Clearfield, Pennsylvania since that's where she lives. I slept through most of the drive, but still had to do some serious lying. I felt awful.
I didn't get to eat that day. My daily wages had to be spent on new clothes. Thank god for Walmart. I should be on that People of Walmart site. A dirty, sweaty 19-year-old woman shopping for cheap clothes with a fancy briefcase.
And the briefcase had mostly stopped sloshing by that point. Then yesterday morning, it was back to being liquid inside. Heavier than Saturday. Without the hiking to worry about I was able to keep track of it. It slowly changed from liquid to solid. By the end of my day the stuff inside was hard.
This morning, it was unlocked. Inside was a laptop. A Dell Inspiron 14R.
No, I don't get it either. All I know is, He gave me a briefcase that made a laptop out of... something else. Maybe I should thank Him, but I won't. A computer doesn't make up for all that He's taken.
It's pretty nice, though.
Friday, July 15, 2011
This Is New
I saw Him today. It's been so long. I had nearly forgotten just how unnatural He looks. I'm not a good enough writer to give you a good explanation. But then you've all seen Him, or you wouldn't be reading this.
I was leaving Wendy's when He appeared. Right there, on the sidewalk. Nobody else noticed Him. They just walked around Him. I dropped to my knees and lowered my head. People noticed that. But I was too busy to care. Too busy fighting the nausea, the dizziness. The fast food wasn't helping.
He dropped a briefcase. That's the new thing I meant in the title. After a few minutes, my head cleared. He was gone. The briefcase remained. I picked it up. I knew He wanted me to. He wouldn't have done it otherwise.
Anyway, I have His briefcase right here. It looks sort of like the one I put in above this paragraph. The biggest visible difference is there's no keyhole. It's locked, and it can't be unlocked. Doesn't feel like there's much inside. Oh, but that's the weird part. It doesn't feel like leather. It's cold, even in the hot sun, and it's slippery. I must have dropped it half a dozen times already. It smells bad too, like a hospital.
It's unpleasant and people keep looking at me funny for having it. I don't want to keep it for long. He can have it back, and the sooner the better.
On another unrelated note, for anybody who has contacted me by email or will do so, ignore the name I gave them. It's not mine and never was. Doesn't mean anything either, not like Atalanta.
I was leaving Wendy's when He appeared. Right there, on the sidewalk. Nobody else noticed Him. They just walked around Him. I dropped to my knees and lowered my head. People noticed that. But I was too busy to care. Too busy fighting the nausea, the dizziness. The fast food wasn't helping.
He dropped a briefcase. That's the new thing I meant in the title. After a few minutes, my head cleared. He was gone. The briefcase remained. I picked it up. I knew He wanted me to. He wouldn't have done it otherwise.
It's unpleasant and people keep looking at me funny for having it. I don't want to keep it for long. He can have it back, and the sooner the better.
On another unrelated note, for anybody who has contacted me by email or will do so, ignore the name I gave them. It's not mine and never was. Doesn't mean anything either, not like Atalanta.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
A Mask and Other Things
I came back this morning with a mask on. Just cheap white plastic with a little elastic strap. Undecorated. I threw it out.
That doesn't fly with me. He can get another one if He really wants me to wear it. I'll throw that one out too. A mask makes me a target for the ones who fight back. I'd keep what life I do have, if it's up to me.
Now, what else is there to say? Oh, I should thank Elaine for the kind words in her post: http://takethemyth.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-mission-statement.html. She said that I was one of the nice ones on this side, and a decent person. I'll have to look into the others she linked there when I find the time. Anyway, that brought some views in.
Nobody who could help identify the boy yet, though. It's been three weeks now. Maybe this kid was alone. Somebody must have introduced him, though. He must have told somebody about it. Are they just not blog people, like I wasn't? Or are they all dead too?
As for my efforts to save up and buy a computer, it won't work. I had saved up almost $60, and then He took it back. Or, again, it might not be Him in charge of my finances. I can't know. But it's His orders, surely. And He doesn't want me to buy a computer. When He doesn't want me doing something, He finds a way to stop me. I was lucky that He took the money now instead of later.
That doesn't fly with me. He can get another one if He really wants me to wear it. I'll throw that one out too. A mask makes me a target for the ones who fight back. I'd keep what life I do have, if it's up to me.
Now, what else is there to say? Oh, I should thank Elaine for the kind words in her post: http://takethemyth.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-mission-statement.html. She said that I was one of the nice ones on this side, and a decent person. I'll have to look into the others she linked there when I find the time. Anyway, that brought some views in.
Nobody who could help identify the boy yet, though. It's been three weeks now. Maybe this kid was alone. Somebody must have introduced him, though. He must have told somebody about it. Are they just not blog people, like I wasn't? Or are they all dead too?
As for my efforts to save up and buy a computer, it won't work. I had saved up almost $60, and then He took it back. Or, again, it might not be Him in charge of my finances. I can't know. But it's His orders, surely. And He doesn't want me to buy a computer. When He doesn't want me doing something, He finds a way to stop me. I was lucky that He took the money now instead of later.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Independence Day
What a joke. I didn't even get to see any fireworks, since those happened during His half.
I was unable to get to a computer all weekend. I'm in Chicago now. I was yesterday too. It makes me nervous being here. I know who was in Chicago recently and I'm sure you do too. Maybe he's left. What if I'm here to scare him away, though? Or go after the new kid? No, I shouldn't think about it. It's all up to Him.
So about computers, I checked at a Best Buy and they have a little netbook for only $240. If I try and save up the money I get, I could buy one. Then I'd be set. WiFi is all over the place. My concern is that He wouldn't let me keep it. But I think it's worth a try. Especially if I want to keep this blog.
Not that I have very much to say. What else is there? Doesn't seem like any of you knew that boy. I'll go try and advertise again now. I hate leaving these unrelated comments. I wish there was a more reliable way of spreading the word.
Also, the biggest non-essential cost to me right now is bribes to get on computers. That means I won't be on much until I save up enough. I'll make sure to post if I get killed.
I was unable to get to a computer all weekend. I'm in Chicago now. I was yesterday too. It makes me nervous being here. I know who was in Chicago recently and I'm sure you do too. Maybe he's left. What if I'm here to scare him away, though? Or go after the new kid? No, I shouldn't think about it. It's all up to Him.
So about computers, I checked at a Best Buy and they have a little netbook for only $240. If I try and save up the money I get, I could buy one. Then I'd be set. WiFi is all over the place. My concern is that He wouldn't let me keep it. But I think it's worth a try. Especially if I want to keep this blog.
Not that I have very much to say. What else is there? Doesn't seem like any of you knew that boy. I'll go try and advertise again now. I hate leaving these unrelated comments. I wish there was a more reliable way of spreading the word.
Also, the biggest non-essential cost to me right now is bribes to get on computers. That means I won't be on much until I save up enough. I'll make sure to post if I get killed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)